The Plaid Pladd

This month’s guest post is brought to you by my good friend and reality TV expert, Rob! In college, he would coerce us into watching America’s Next Top Model each week, and I even once wrote a paper on ANTM and Marxism, of course quoting him as the scholar he is. Enjoy!!–PLADD

As many of you know from following Patricia’s blogs, I am one of the foremost scholars on America’s Next Top Model, or as I shall refer to it from now on ANTM. I am more knowledgeable about ANTM than Tyra Banks herself. Most likely Tyra instantly forgets each winner as the confetti is being swept up. If they tried to approach Tyra on the street, she would reprimand them for trying to speak to her in public. Only Tyra’s #1 fan is allowed to speak with her in public, and that is of course Tyra herself.

My original plan was to rank every contestant ever from the show, but that is over 200 people, and a project of that scholarly magnitude would take years to undertake. Instead I will do a ranking of the first 17 winners. Yes, there are 21 seasons, but something so terrible happened season 17 I was forced to forgo my one true love and never watch again. You will find out what that was at the end, or right now if you are like me and enjoy spoiling the endings of things for yourself. The ranking is from best to worst, because I saved the most fun part for the end, and that is talking about things I hate. Just a reminder that this is more of a survey of ANTM, if you would like a more in depth analysis you are welcome to sit in on one of my lectures sometime. Those lectures happen whenever I have too much tequila.

#1 Nicole Linkletter  Season 5

Nicole was the first time the person I rooted for from the beginning won. Sadly it was also the last time. Screw you Tyra. It is hard to remember now why I liked Nicole, but sometimes I make snap judgments and then fiercely defend them to the bitter end so there you go. Nicole was known on the show for being pretty in pictures but completely vacant in person, for being completely ignorant about the UK when they traveled overseas to London, and also for supposedly stealing Bre’s granola bar. She did not steal it. I love her.

#2- Danielle Evans Season 6

Danielle was not my favorite from the beginning, that was the wonderful Furonda , but she was definitely up there. Season 6 is probably the most hilarious of all time, with the delightful Jade who believed that Elephants are the direct descendants of Dinosaurs. Danielle was the hilarious greek chorus to all the crazy going around. She also took great photos, and had probably the best walk of any contestant ever. Danielle was also known for having a gap in her teeth, which Tyra tried to get her to change. Danielle stayed firm though, because she identified the gap as part of her, and I give her lots of respect for that.

#3 Eva Pigford Season 3

Season 3 was my favorite season of all time. I loved when they visited Tokyo, the drama was excellent but not too over the top, and the contestants took stunning photos. Eva was not my favorite at the time, that was probably Amanda or Yaya, but no one can deny she took beautiful pictures. Eva also had a great spunky personality, and was a great role model for short people everywhere when she proclaimed “In those tall bitches’ faces”

#4 Nicole Fox Season 13

Nicole was on the midget season, or as Tyra referred to it it under 5’8 models season. Tyra wanted to give shorter girls a chance, even though Eva who won season 3 was 5’6, and is actually shorter than Nicole. Nicole was one of the most striking contestants Tyra has ever had on her show. Your eyes went instantly to her. Her photos on the other hand tended to be garbage. She could not pose, and her walk was terrible. Nicole also had an attitude of I don’t even know why I signed up for this shit. That is why I liked her. Tyra liked her because she was the tallest girl on the midget season.

#5 Yoanna House Season 2

Season 2 Tyra still had high hopes for finding a high fashion winner. Yoanna never was able to live up to those hopes, mainly because she was already a bit older at the time of her win, and didn’t have a modelesque body. Her face though was stunning, and she took some of the best beauty shots in the history of the show. She also seemed super sweet, and later even had her own design show!

#6 Jaslene Gonzalez Season 8

Jaslene had several strengths going for her. She had a very androgynous look, something Tyra hadn’t had in previous winners. She had a very fierce walk, something she was proud to rub in the faces of her competitors. Also, she was a returnee, which gave Tyra a redemption arc to feast upon. Her downside? She spoke like a deaf man without his hearing aid who decided to gargle golf balls for fun.

#7 Caridee English Season 7

Many fans dubbed her Scaridee, because of her resemblance to a meth addled horror movie villain. I thought her look worked..in a type of heroin chic way. She also had a pretty great personality. Since the show she has done lots of presenting, which I think fits her better. She was much better at least than the runner up Melrose, that she-hag.

#8 Teyona Anderson Season 12

Teyona was Tyra’s first attempt at a very high fashion winner. She had a cross of alien and fish look that was engaging most of the time, and at the same time could be repulsive in pictures. Tyra really screwed her over by giving her a hairstyle not seen since Debarge.  Overall her season was pretty bland, and she was pretty bland too, but bland beats out most of what happens below.

#9 Adrianne Curry Season 1

Adrianne could have ranked near the top of the list if I didn’t take anything into consideration after the show. She was a likable, scrappy come from behind winner who took beautiful pictures and was the perfect transformation story. Then she married Peter Brady and did the VH1 circuit, making an embarrassment of herself. That scrappy woman was actually a trashy one, and she tarnished many opinions about her. Her one saving grace is that she super pissed off Tyra, who refuses to utter her name in public. This helps move her up a few spots.

#10 Saleisha Stowers Season 9

Many ANTM fans would probably have Saleisha ranked near the bottom, if not the bottom of their list. I have never seen a reality contestant receive such undeserved scorn as much as Saleisha. Fans ripped her apart week after week. Her look was a bit safe, and yes Tyra did give her a bob reminiscent of Tootie from Facts of Life, but she wasn’t the monster that many fans made her out to be. Most of the hatred came from the fact that people suspected the season was rigged in her favor since Saleisha had attended a girls empowerment camp that Tyra had done in the 90s. Maybe Tyra did have this in mine, but every season was always about the story over the model, so I hate get too riled up about a little bit of favoritism.

#11 Mckey Sullivan Season 11

*Snore*…..Most boring winner, with a perfectly fine look and the personality of a stuffed dog.

#12 Ann Ward Season 15

Yes, Ann took beautiful pictures. Some of the best ever on the show. But her Frankenstein lurch of a walk, and her debbie downer personality spoiled any of that. Ann had the perfect angles for pictures, but in person presented like someone that life had taken a few too many swings at with a sack of pennies.

#13 Krista White Season 14

Krista won probably the most unlikable season of ANTM. Everyone had a slightly grating personality, and they went to New Zealand for their overseas destination. That meant lots of time focused on two things I hate…lord of the rings and sheep. Krista had a poor attitude and was always being passive aggressive, and she photographed like a mid 40s housewive. She only ranks higher than others because she beat out Raina in the finale, who had eyebrows to rival Bob Dole.

#14 Brittani Kline Season 16

Brittani had a striking look, and photographed amazingly. Tyra sabotaged her with an awful bob, but she still was able to pull it off. What places her so low is her horrendous stank attitude. She was the definition of whiny brat. She actually threw several screaming tantrums at panel, and yet Tyra picked her. It might have been her age that led to such a rotten showing, but more likely it was being from Pennsylvania.

#15 Naima Mora Season 4

For 3 seasons Tyra had picked 3 pretty modelesque winners. They  may each have had flaws, but you knew at least why she picked them. Then came the trainwreck that was season 4. This gave us maybe the top ANTM moment of all time when Tyra went off on Tiffany, as referenced in the picture at the top. This was our first real glance into the deranged mind of Tyra Lynne Banks. This season also gave us this diseased deer carcass as a winner.

#16 Whitney Thompson Season 10

Going into season 10 Tyra had never picked a plus sized model, even though there had been many candidates. It was a running joke that she never would. Unfortunately, when she did it was this sneering wench. The whole season Whitney talked about empowerment, but empowerment for her meant hyping up her curves while trashing everyone else and their skinny bodies. She had the smile of a shark, and the personality of the queen bee of a D list sorority at one of the lesser SUNYS. I thought it was possible to never hate a winner as much as I hated her….then…it happened.

#17 Lisa D’Mato Season 17 *Allstars*

No, this is not a beast from hell that has crawled out of a sulfur pit to wreck havoc on humanity for gay marriage…this is the winner of the Allstar season of ANTM. Tyra was clearly using a very loose definition of Allstar while casting this season. Lisa was best known on her season for day drinking and peeing in a diaper in front of the guys from Jackass. She was very proud of this, because she is nasty. Of course who thought she would win allstars, being at least 180 years old at best and at worst the reanimated corpse of an ice age hyena? This travesty was enough to make me finally give up on ANTM. I’ve heard though that now they have men competing, and a “social media expert” on panel…so it is probably for the best.