Best and Worst Things About Being Married

Tuesday will be my 2nd wedding anniversary! My mom asked me if it “seemed like it’s really been two years” and I was like “… I guess?” She was disappointed that I didn’t get all weepy and nostalgic, but I think we’ve talked before about how I don’t see the act of getting married as really changing anything about me or my relationship. But, since she asked, I’ve been thinking about it, and I guess there are a few differences, so I thought I would give you the Top 5 Best and Top 4 Worst things about being married. I guess it’s good that I could only think of 4 negative differences. We’ll start with the good stuff:

Top 5 Best Things About Marriage!!

1. You get a big party!

And maybe a tank

And maybe a tank

If you’re doing weddings right, they are AWESOME. And you can do literally anything you want because no one’s going to tell you you can’t on your own wedding. You want only take out from Seminole’s finest? YOU GOT IT. You want bobbing for apples even though it’s way unhygienic? SUCK IT UP, GUYS, IT’S HALLOWEEN WEDDING, WE’RE DOING IT. Weddings can be the most fun party you can imagine! Mine definitely was!

2.Fancy Rings

Fist bump of marriedness!

Fist bump of marriedness!

I’m a total cheapskate (hello, my wedding reception was on my parents’ porch), so it’s nearly impossible to convince me to spend money on things like clothes (“$60?? Come on, I could make that out of old sheets for way less”) or jewelry (“Ehhhh I’d probably just lose it”). But wedding rings, like weddings themselves, are something it’s socially acceptable to spend money on, so finally you don’t have to feel guilty about picking out the best one no matter the cost!

3. People take you seriously
I mean, they shouldn’t, but they do. Even if you’ve been with someone for eight years, if you aren’t married, you still have to use the same word as you would at two weeks. Even if you just met at a drive-thru chapel in Vegas, “my husband” adds a whole new level of seriousness to everything you do. It’s stupid, but nice to take advantage of when you can.

4. Paying less money for everything
What up, tax break!! I wanted to put this at #1 (it’s the wedding gift that keeps on giving), but I figured I’d throw my mom a bone, romance-wise. Married people also end up paying less for things like apartment security deposits/application fees or “family” plans at gyms and whatnot. I also think this is dumb, but you better believe I am flashing my Official Married Person Pass (my ring, I guess?) at all that stuff and reaping the rewards.

5. Health Benefits
Holy crap, you guys, starting this week I finally have health care!!! I’m going to hit up ALL THE DOCTORS.

Marriage!!!!

Marriage!!!!

Oh, but it’s not all fun parties and doing laps in swimming pools filled with tax breaks. There’s also:

Top 4 Worst Things About Marriage

1. People use the word “hubby” around you more
The word “hubby” has always been my #1 Most Hated Word. Before getting married, I assumed it was something only a few older people said because they wanted my everlasting enmity. It wasn’t till I got married that I realized the extent of the problem. People say this word all the time, often in questions directed at me. And I always pause a second too long before answering them, because it takes me a moment to swallow the vomit. I’ve never been a big fan of cutesy nicknames because they make me suspicious that you can’t remember my real name, but hubby is the worst. I know avowing this publicly is opening me up to people using it around me even more now, and that’s fine, I’ll just sigh a little and then write you off as terrible.

2. People start asking you about kids
Being married gives any person the right to ask you about your future child plans, and it is not cool. I get that you’ve been socially conditioned to see “babies” as the next mandatory step after “marriage,” but that doesn’t mean I buy into your 1950s fever dream, and even if I did, not your business, Random Woman in the Cookbook Section of the Library. When my future plans for unprotected sex become your business, I’ll have my lady parts send you an email, since it will also be the day my uterus gains sentience. Hopefully never because that sounds like a horror movie.

3. People think you’re a unit
I’m still perfectly capable of going places without Steven and having opinions we don’t share, but you wouldn’t know it from the way some people act!

4. People get your name wrong
I assume it happens if you change your name too.

Those are all the differences I can think of. Other than that, being married is the same as being in any long-term relationship. So pretty great, if you like having someone to watch Adventure Time with and sometimes make you sandwiches.

And someone to make you feel better about how weird you are

And someone to make you feel better about how weird you are

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