The 4 Best Emails I’ve Ever Received from Town of Cary

We all know I can’t get enough municipal government, which is why I signed up for every listserv the Town of Cary puts out when I moved here. There was a long list of them, and I just clicked “Select All” thinking, whatever, I live here so everything they put out will be relevant to me. I rethought this position around the third time I got an email seeking contractors to fix sidewalks, but I’ve stuck it out, and Town of Cary rewards me, pretty much weekly. I don’t know who writes these emails, but I’m pretty sure they’re bored, because they often have subjects like:

1. Who’s Grabbing Cary’s Stormwater Grates?

This one arrived January 4th and the first sentence is:

Weighing several hundred pounds, stormwater grates serve to prevent people, vehicles, bikes and other objects and debris from falling into stormdrains, but in Cary, a heavyweight is stealing them and creating serious safety issues in parking lots.

Apparently 10 storm grates went missing from parking lots in the five day period of 12/31/12–1/4/13, bringing total thefts since last July to over 30. This is a ridiculous crime because why are you doing this and also how???. And I love that the email I got about it was not “Rash of stormwater grate thefts plagues Cary” but “Who is stealing these grates? Answer: a heavyweight”. I’ll keep a look out for really muscley people walking around Food Lion, Town of Cary Listserv, don’t you worry.

2. Rogue “Red Ryder” Strikes Again in Cary: Parked Vehicles Fall Victim to BB Gun

I got this one December 11th (hence the Christmas Story reference, I guess), and, once again, the first sentence really shows that this person is serious about informing the public about safety issues:

Someone has received their BB gun early and is hitting the streets in Cary causing vandalism that’s sure to put them on Santa’s naughty list.

Forty separate reports of BB gun related car vandalism, and the email suggested that I park in my garage to save Trixie. Which I would totally do if I had a garage. Whatever, she’s tough.

Which is good because it's only a matter of time before they start shooting eyes

Which is good because it’s only a matter of time before they start shooting eyes

3. Town of Cary’s A-Team Ready for Quick Flirt with Winter Weather

It probably goes without saying that the e-mail refers to our public works employees as “Cary’s A-Team” throughout the email. Once “Cary’s Snow Fighters” are also mentioned, and I’m not sure if that’s still the A-Team or some kind of winter superhero group they teamed up with for our bad weather last week. I’m leaning towards the latter because the next email I got the same day had this lead sentence:

The Town of Cary will activate Snow Command at 6:30 p.m. today as forecasts continue to call for minor snow accumulation overnight.

What is Snow Command and how do you activate it, Town of Cary?? Is it with a set of rings worn by the mayor, the director of public works, and a lovable teen boy and his pet monkey?? Do you fight the evil super villain Jack Frost using the powers of friendship and civic pride?? Unfortunately, I never found the answers to these questions because in the wee hours of the morning I received:

Cary Snow Command Closes Due to Winter Storm Fizzler

NEXT TIME, Snow Command! Next time!

And lastly:

4. Tamale Thursday Cancelled Due to Lack of Interest

Did I say best emails? I meant worst. This was a sad day for us all. I mourn you in my heart, Tamale Thursday. And I will remember you always.

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