13 Adventures: #13 A Kid In King Arthur’s Court

You may think that this is kind of an anticlimactic last adventure to my 13 Adventures series. But then you probably don’t understand the entire awesomeness that is A Kid In King Arthur’s Court!

I have never been so glad (and shocked) that something made the jump from VHS! Here is the sitch, if, for some reason, you’ve never seen this masterpiece:

Calvin, that guy from American Pie, needs to learn a valuable lesson about standing up for himself and courage and all that. Then an earthquake/half-dead wizard’s spell transports him to an extremely loose adaptation of King Arthur’s Court!! Unfortunately, the aging King Arthur is being bamboozled by Lord Belasco, he of the enormous forehead, and Merlin tells Calvin from where he is astrally projected onto well water that if Calvin saves Camelot, Merlin will help him find a way home. So Calvin trains to be a knight with Daniel Craig, the Master at Arms, and Arthur’s youngest daughter, Katie, while his eldest daughter, Kate Winslet, is being CRUELLY SOLD OFF as the prize in a tournament all the while cross dressing as the mysterious Black Knight to Robin Hood the shit out of Camelot’s surrounding towns.

The best part about this movie is the fact that everyone finds Calvin’s odd speech, clothes, and backpack full of 1990s tricks charming instead of demonic. Instead of being burned as a witch, he is able to introduce Camelot to: CD players, rollerskates, bubble gum, super glue, bicycles, 90s slang, and hamburgers. He also seems to know a lot about how to smelt things?

My favorite scene is where Calvin makes Princess Katie a hamburger with tomatoes, which she calls “poisonous love apples”, which, I swear, Steven and I have debated the historical accuracy of on at least two separate occasions. She tries the hamburger for the first time and says, “Good! I mean… BAD!” since Calvin has previously explained that “If something’s good than it’s bad, if it’s cool than it’s hot!” I sometimes still feel the urge to say things are “Good… I mean BAD!” after tasting things Steven cooks for the first time.

“Tis not heart burn… tis heart ache! You are in love, little one!” As you might expect, Calvin is totes crushing on Princess Katie, and Kate Winslet ends up getting together with Daniel Craig, even though he is only a lowly Master at Arms! Yay! I’m glad Camelot’s only aggressor in Arthur’s twilight years is an vaguely Mediterranean Lord with a huge forehead, instead of, you know, that whole Mordred thing or the Guinevere/Lancelot adultery fiasco.

2 responses to “13 Adventures: #13 A Kid In King Arthur’s Court”

  1. Brian says:

    Did the credits say “based on the book by Mark Twain”? Because that would be even cooler.

    Not that anything is cooler than Daniel Craig hooking up with Kate Winslet.

  2. Did you play the burned as a witch drinking game with this one?

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