Archive for May, 2010

Book Review: The Forest of Hands and Teeth

I first heard about this book from this award-winning book trailer for it:

I was terrified. But, since it was pretty much about zombies, I knew I would be forced to read it through my own drive to be an expert on something that scares me.
forest-hands-teeth2

It turned out to be more creepy than gory. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic Earth where the dead have been attacking for so long that the way things were before “the Return” has been almost forgotten. Mary lives in a village protected by what essentially are chain link fences, with the dead coming out of the surrounding forest every day to moan through them. Her village is led by “the Sisters”, a secretive religious group that seeks to keep the village population ignorant of any world outside the fences for their own good, claiming that the village is all that’s left of humanity. Then the fences are breached and Mary, her brother, his wife (who’s been bitten), Harry (Mary’s betrothed), Travis (the guy Mary is totally in love with and everyone knows it), and Cass (Mary’s BFF and Travis’ betrothed) escape into the woods beyond the fences with an adorable puppy and your typical Orphaned By Zombies Waif. Mary is intent on finding the ocean, while everyone else tells her she’s crazy and freaks out.

The language of the book is what I think gives it its creepiness. The zombies are always referred to as “the Unconsecrated”, giving the entire thing weirdly religious overtones. The division between humans and the unconsecrated is also more blurred than in other zombie works. In the first few chapters, Mary’s mother sees Mary’s father return to the fences as one of the Unconsecrated and throws herself towards him, getting bitten through the interlacing metal. The Sisters give her a choice of being killed by their guards before the infection spreads (the logical zombie option) or being released into the forest to join the Unconsecrated and her husband. Mary’s mother chooses to join her husband and Mary, while watching her mother convulse with zombification, suddenly starts wondering if she should have dressed her more warmly, if her mother will finally know the answers to the questions she seeks, if the Unconsecrated know something she doesn’t. Because the timing of the book is so far after the Return, the Unconsecrated aren’t viewed with the same horror and Kill-Them-All attitude as in other works where they just begin to rise. To the people of Mary’s village, they’re just part of life, and no reason to interrupt the melodrama of ridiculous love triangles.

There’s a sequel, which I think is about Mary’s daughter (yeah, she, at least, lives) called The Dead-Tossed Waves. It’s also been recently announced that they’re making a movie, maybe starring Kristen Stewart. I cannot wait for all the needless dramatic pausing and intense blinking action.

Book Reviews: Maureen Johnson’s Devilish

I am a tentative fan of Maureen Johnson. Her books usually have some sort of gimmick to separate them from normal trashy teen high school drama, but sometimes the careful balance between the gimmick and the angsty melodrama is upset and both seem annoying. I’m mainly thinking of:

13 Little Blue Envelopes

13 Little Blue Envelopes


The premise is a cool international scavenger hunt set up by the main character’s dead aunt, which sounds awesome, but the main character spends most of the trip being angsty so it was kind of disappointing.

Not so with her 2006 release, Devilish.
devilish

Jane Jarvis, the main character, is smart, loud, and takes no crap, especially if someone is trying to dish it out to her shyer, more awkward best friend Ally. So when Ally shows up one morning cooler, prettier, more confident, it’s almost like she’s sold her soul to a demon to gain the popularity high school girls crave most. And then it turns out she so totally did. The demon turns out to be posing as Lanalee, a sophomore girl with an insatiable lust for cupcakes, who agrees to Jane’s wager to save her friend’s soul. Luckily, some of the nuns at Jane’s private school turn out to be demon hunters who help her on her quest to fight the increasingly dark powers present at school and save her own soul.

This book is the perfect mix of highschool popularity drama and supernatural comedy. Jane’s voice is sarcastic and mature, not annoyingly pandering to a perceived superficial audience like many young adult novels. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes:

1) Demons
2) Snarkiness
3) Lots of cupcakes
4) All kinds of sacrilege
5) Kick Ass Nuns

Luckily, I’m a fan of all five.
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The Plaid Pladd Blog: A New Lease On Life

It’s sad but true: I do not have the adventures I once did. More to the point, I don’t have the time to do semi-strange things and then blow them entirely out of proportion until Josh Langsfeld is saving me from being knifed on a Houston city bus, etc. Since I’m actually working at a public library this summer, I thought I would have plenty of ridiculous stories to tell about crazy people who come in to hide amongst the stacks and loudly shout Star Wars quotes at random intervals (Seminole Community Library, Summer ’06) or the secret soup of library drama boiling in the backroom and behind every desk (Seminole Community Library, AT ALL TIMES). Unfortunately, the library I’m working at appears to be dangerously and unprecedentedly normal. The weirdest story I have is that Wednesday a woman asked me for nail clippers and then seemed sad that the library didn’t have those. Seriously, I can’t compete with The Road Trip with this.

In place of adventures, here is what I do with my time, ordered roughly in how much time I spend on it:

1. Complaining about grad school’s total inadequacy
2. Working at the public library
3. Working on my summer course in management
4. Reading
5. Cooking

Complaining gets top billing because I can pretty much do it while simultaneously doing any of those other things, plus while doing almost anything else (I’m a Tenth Level Whiny Complainer). Working at the public library is awesome, but has the aforementioned Lack of Crazy problems. My summer course’s goal seems to be to mention libraries as little as possible and to have as little to do with my actual life and job goals as it can, thus providing excellent fodder for #1, but not much help in the Cool Things To Blog About arena. That leaves reading (I work at a library) and cooking, two things which I usually don’t blog about because I see them as not of interest to my legions of fans, with a few exceptions. This is going to change.

Possible Job Ideas: Zombie Games for the Wii Fit

I’m all for being healthy, but this does not really inspire me to jog in place:

If you run even more you can explore different parts of the pixelated island!

If you run even more you can explore different parts of the pixelated island!

I really feel for maximum motivation, the jogging course should be replaced by something like this:

These guys I would totally run from

These guys I would totally run from

I know it doesn’t fit Ninetendo’s cutesy image, but it would be a lot more fun. The second level could involve fighting zombies in hand to hand combat, featuring the same air punches and kicks that the Wii strength exercises do, but instead of looking at this:
wii-fit-stretch

You would be fighting, kind of like this:

And maybe after you level up, the hammer becomes a chainsaw

And maybe after you level up, the hammer becomes a chainsaw

Photo Source

I realize fighting zombies in hand to hand combat is kind of unrealistic, but it could be anything. Dinosaurs. Bears. The Mafia. I would even settle for an exercise version of Mario Teaches Typing where you punch blocks and kick giant turtles to death. I don’t understand why this idea isn’t already available, or, failing that, why I am not a millionaire right now.

Things I’ve Made: Fruity Oaty Bars

Today I was so inspired by a letter from Roque, that I decided to actually honor my pledge of blog updates WITHOUT FAIL every Tuesday and Friday (other weeks I’m more inspired to maintain my reputation as a pathological liar). In this letter, Roque commented that “as far as I can tell, all of the food you eat in NC is normal meals morphed into cupcake form”. While this is mostly true, last week I tried and failed to construct the famous octopii-endorsed, shit-flipping-causing, Fruity Oaty Bar for our Serenity movie night.

After much debate, I decided to use this recipe, although I was especially bad about having the correct ingredients. I never seem to have the right size pan, and am horrible at remembering to double everything on the fly. Also, I randomly decided to pour snack mix on top. So here is my revised recipe (with notes about mistakes I made):

2 sticks unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups flour
2 cups oats
However much jam you have
1 package of Fruit & Nut mix with dried fruit and different kinds of nuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 and line whatever size pan you have with wax paper.
This part was fine.
2. Cream butter with sugar and salt. Add flour. Stir in oats.
This is the part where I realized my pan was too big, so I’ve doubled this recipe to match.
3. Press about 3/4 of the mixture into the pan.
4. Place jam in small saucepan and cook over lowest heat until it becomes liquidy, pourable, and looks vaguely like congealed brain or Halloween-style blood. Pour jam over pan.
I also underestimated how much jam I would need so it was more like a light dusting.
5. Sprinkle remaining dough and Fruit&Nut mix over jam.
6. Bake for 35 minutes. Cool in pan for 30 minutes.

Also, they cause fires.

Times I’ve Almost Died: FIRE!

I don’t know about you, but those fire safety lectures we had in elementary school scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. I was convinced that my house would burn to the ground and had a detailed plan for which of my belongings I would grab while fleeing from my collapsing inferno of a home. I had almost completely forgotten about this latent fear until yesterday when my Serenity movie night was interrupted by a strange orange glow seeping through the blinds. At first we thought it was just headlights, but headlights don’t flicker. Also usually don’t shine in to second floor windows.

FIRE!!

FIRE!!

So there are these dumpsters about a hundred paces from my front door, and next to them is a strange fenced off little enclosure where people dump old mattresses or furniture. There are plenty of overhanging trees too.

When we first walked outside, the wind was up and we were getting hit with sparks.

When we first walked outside, the wind was up and we were getting hit with sparks.

Luckily Rachel is quickest on the cellphone draw and called 911. We found out someone already had. People from the Business and Professional Women’s Club next door were already gathering to take pictures with their cellphones stupidly close. Some other apartment dwellers, slightly more freaked out because, you know, we live here, started gathering and trying to move their cars. Joe immediately accused the guy holding a cigarette of starting the whole thing and returning to the scene of the crime.
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