New Moon or Unnecessary Dramatic Pause: The Movie

As I was sitting in class Thursday, pondering the intricacies of library science professorship, my friend Erin told me that she was attending a showing of New Moon with RiffTrax over the weekend since she’d gotten a facebook invitation. This led me to have two thoughts almost simultaneously. The first was:

“I love facebook invites. They’re so easy for everyone involved and you can upload hilarious pictures. I wonder if I can just make facebook invites for my wedding? And then everyone who clicks ‘Maybe’ won’t get food. It’ll be awesome.”

The second was:

“NEW MOON RIFFTRAX ARE OUT?????? Why didn’t Mike Nelson inform me PESRONALLY??? I am there.”

In case you are uninitiated, RiffTrax is a lot like my beloved Mystery Science Theater 3000 in that it’s a track you can play along with a movie that makes fun of it AND IT IS WRITTEN BY THE SAME PEOPLE. It’s different in that the movies are often real, theatrical releases and not The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies. The Twilight RiffTrax was definitely the funniest I’ve seen–probably because A) Twilight is horribly written AND horribly acted, and B) there is so much dramatic pausing to leave plenty of room to make jokes in between dialog.

So today Rachel and I (and Steven) experienced New Moon: The Movie: With Rifftrax. And it was so painful. I cannot imagine seeing it in the theaters without someone making fun of it in the background. Here is a rundown in case you are curious:

Bella: can best be described as—DRAMATIC PAUSE–“noodley”, we decided, since, like many toddlers, she seems to have trouble–DRAMATIC PAUSE–developing these gross motor skills and often ends up falling down or–DRAMATIC PAUSE–just going limp on the nearest available surface.

Edward: is incredibly squinty. Rachel thinks that may be–DRAMATIC PAUSE–Robert Pattinson concentrating to say his lines in an American accent. I think that he just can’t stand–DRAMATIC PAUSE–being near Kristin Stewart’s equally bad acting.

The Effeminate Background Elf Characters from Lord of the Rings: are now effeminate Italian vampires, apparently.

Now just imagine about 300% more dramatic pauses, and it’s like you ACTUALLY WATCHED New Moon. But 24 times shorter.

2 responses to “New Moon or Unnecessary Dramatic Pause: The Movie”

  1. Tom says:


    I’m glad I stumbled onto your blog when I was searching to illegally download pirates from these interwebs. This line made me giggle at 7:45 in the morning, something that doesn’t happen often.

    Be good, chief.

  2. Tom says:

    It was the “noodl-ey” comment about Kristen Stewart.


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