Archive for September, 2009

H-Town: The Debriefing

I’m glad that Houston is just like I remember: nearly unbearable. But in a way I’ve grown to love. I love the ridiculous traffic, the sweltering heat, the overzealous mosquito population, the two stars. I also love the now-completed building that was outside my window all of last year. Its roof now looks like a ship’s prow that has accidentally careened into the med center. And, yeah, I walked by the new gym and it consumed my soul with jealousy. Other than that, though, I managed to pretty well avoid getting hit by the nostalgia truck. Because my shower doesn’t scream.

Probably the most surprising part of the weekend came on Saturday when I was expecting to collect my pieroyalties, the amount of which increases in increments of one pie yearly. I was promised three, but since both Anna (director) and Jacob (producer) assumed responsibility for this, I ended up with six. Jacob gave his long suffering Jacob sigh, said they would tip me one more, and keep two for the cast party. I assumed this was just his way of covering up a failed attempt at winning my affections. Because nothing says “Let’s make out after this play” like extra pie. It’s maybe a universal signal.

Anna also felt the need to tip me, specifically for this part of the play:
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Airplane Poetry

I’m in Houston! I knew the minute the swampy, humid air hit my face and I quickly found myself on an eight lane highway with a forest of tacky, neon signs on either side that the prodigal Patricia had returned.

This return involved two plane rides and a sandwich in Baltimore, whose airport is actually just a mall where some planes hang out. On the latter plane, Steven and I decided that the BEST POSSIBLE use of our time was to write each other notes while listening to our respective iPods. Naturally this quickly devolved into joint poetry:
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The Book That Almost Made Me an SE: Sarah, Plain and Tall

I’ve been thinking a lot about elementary school Patricia and reading lately, probably because I’m suddenly in charge of 18 3rd-5th graders and their reading. Oddly, despite my own childhood anger over this very subject, one of my first thoughts was “I could have us all read the same book and then talk about it!” Luckily, my librarian training made me remember before I could get too far that kids hate exactly this. I was suddenly sent into a flashback where I was forced to confront my own irrational rage towards:

1. Charlotte’s Web
2. The Call of the Wild
3. Sarah, Plain and Tall

The three books that nearly made me an SE at the age of 10.
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Things I Miss About Houston

This week I’ve been preparing for my triumphant return to H-Town next weekend to see my one-act and collect my royalties, which have been upped from three pies to three pies and one trashy romance novel after I valiantly and selflessly agreed to add ten more lines of dialogue at two a.m. I’m not really sure if it’s humanly possible to eat three pies in two days, but I’m excited to find out. You know, FOR SCIENCE.

Anyway, I made a list of all the things I miss about H-Town that I want to be sure to do while I’m there. Then they were all restaurants and I realized I couldn’t eat lunch twelve times on Friday. So I’ve decided to dig deeper, and think about what non-food things I miss about H-Town.

1. On-Ramps

It's like I'm leaving in the futuristic dystopia... TODAY!

It's like I'm living in the futuristic dystopia... TODAY!

Steven has always said that, unlike him, I’m a “natural Houston driver”, which I assume means “not a total wuss”. I really miss the needless enormity of the Houston highway system. Sure, it ruins the landscape, but I always feel like I’m entering a giant game of pinball as I speed up the oddly inclined on ramps or am about to rocket into a hover car skyscape a la The Jettsons. Sure, North Carolina roads are less intrusive and more in tune with the natural environment, but they make me feel two-thirds less like a super spy.
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Things That Spell Our Doom

THIS

Times I Have Almost Died: Swine Flu

I hesitantly include this as a time I’ve almost died since it is definitely less serious than others in this category, like the time I read the fourth Twilight book. I wouldn’t have even bothered going to the doctor at all if campus weren’t plastered with flyers saying “If you have ANY TWO of these symptoms come to health services IMMEDIATELY”. And it’s not like Rice health services, either, where they’re never open and they prescribe allergy medicine for every ailment. It’s a legit hospital. I had to park in a parking garage and walk across a skyway to get there.

While I was there, I got to wear a stylish mask, and everyone kept assuring me that Everything Is Going To Be Okay. Apparently the top half of my face always looks really worried, because in reality I am way less scared of swine flu than I am of Japanese Spider Crabs. They told me I either had a mild case or was “incubating it” and would feel even worse later. They gave me pamphlets. I got to keep the mask.

Doctor: Do you need proof that you were here?
Me: Ummm… what? Like for insurance?
Doctor: You’re a grad student so probably not. Most of the undergrads are afraid their professors will think they’re lying.
Me: No, my professors seem pretty understanding.
Doctor: Well, you’re a grad student; you’re more mature.

LULZ! Joke’s on her! Although judging from the vapid conversations I’m forced to listen to daily on the bus, she’s probably right.

Anyway, after sleeping for fourteen hours, I feel much better! Take that swine flu! Although still coughing like a chain-smoking asthmatic.

One Month to Learn All of Math

Boy: How long have you worked here?
Me: About a month.
Boy: WOAH. You know a lot of math for only a month.
Me: I knew most math before I came here. I didn’t learn all of math in a month.
Boy: I’m going to try!

Who Invented Numbers?: My math tutoring group decides

Boy: Who invented numbers?
Girl: THE PRESIDENT. Duh.
Boy: Which president?
Girl: THE president!
Other Boy: I thought it was God.
Girl: Nu-uh!
Other Boy: God invented the president! So if the president invented numbers, GOD invented numbers!
Me: And what identity is that?
All: (general mumblings)
Boy: Ooh! Ooh! Transitive property!
Girl: I knew that.
Me: Good.

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