Twilight for People Who Don’t Want to Read Twilight

Last summer at the library everyone was ALL ABOUT Twilight. Every teen girl in Seminole would come in every week to ask if Twilight was in yet, since our six copies had a 300 strong waiting list. Naturally, I got a little curious, but had to wait until the craze died down slightly (or until I was in one place for longer than three months–you aren’t even going to hit the 100s on the waiting list in three months) before investigating. Luckily the teen girls are mostly sated, and it’s now mostly third graders and the morbidly curious continuing the obsession. So if you too are morbidly curious, you have four options:

1. Wait six months on the waiting list at the library, enjoy the indignity when it finally comes in and the librarian has to pull Twilight from behind the desk and check it out for you, know that she is SO JUDGING YOU right now
2. Ask a teen girl about it, listen to two hours of “OH MY GOD EDWARD SO HOT!”, commit suicide
3. Actually pay money for it, hate yourself forever
4. Listen to my review, since I have successfully completed #1 on this list with my librarian-fu for the first three books. It is as follows:

Twilight
I was still 167 on the waiting list at the Humble Community Library after four months, when my secret santa gave me this for Christmas, along with The Ruins, apparently because it’s too awkward for a college guy to buy Twilight on his own. Totally understandable. If there’s one thing I’ve learned at the library, it’s that even if they seem disinterested, WE ARE JUDGING YOU BY WHAT YOU READ.
Here’s a brief summary of the “action”:

Back of the Book: I knew three things. 1. Edward was a vampire. 2. Part of him would always hunger for my blood. 3. I was irrevocably in love with him.

Bella throughout most of the Book: Edward is so beautiful! And strong! And fast! And only comes out on overcast days! I wonder why he’s so… mysterious? This foreshadowing might even be interesting if I wasn’t undermined by my own cover art!

Edward: Stay away from me, Bella! I’m dangerous! [pause] J/k! I love you and will NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE EVER!

Bella: How could you love me when I’m so ugly and klutzy and boring?

Edward: That would be easier to believe if every other male character weren’t constantly trying to get in your pants.

Edward’s Family: We are “vegetarian” vampires and only eat animals, not humans!

Evil Nomad Vampires: We aren’t! Also, we’re going to eat Bella.

Edward: NOOOOO! The only plan that makes sense is for you to escape with my vampire sister to Arizona where your mother lives!

Bella: That’s what they’ll expect me to do!

Edward: Which is why it’s THE LAST THING THEY’D EXPECT us to ACTUALLY do! It’s too obvious!

Evil Vampire on Phone: I know you’re here in Phoenix, Bella. And if you come alone to your old dance studio, I may even let your mother go!

Bella: (after cleverly escaping her vampire protectors by pointing and saying “Hey, what’s that over there?” and running the other way) Hey! You don’t have my mother held captive! She’s in Florida!

Evil Vampire: Ha ha ha! You’ve fallen for my clever plan! Now I will kill you, because your blood smells like crack!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO!

Evil Vampire: (bites her arm)

Edward: NOOOOOOOO! (kills Evil Vampire)

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: She’ll become a vampire soon! Quick, we have to suck the poison out!

Edward: But her blood tastes like crack! What if I can’t stop and kill her?

Carlisle: Whatevs.

Bella: (wakes up in hospital) I’m alive! Oh, uh… don’t worry, Mom and Dad! I just fell down the stairs.

Mom and Dad: We believe you! After all, it’s already been established that you’re SO KLUTZY!

Edward: Let’s go to prom and not worry about the Evil Vampire’s two friends who I’m sure will never bother us again!
The End

So that’s basically it, just imagine more sexual tension, since, because Bella’s blood smells like crack, THEY CAN BARELY TOUCH without Edward wigging out and trying to eat her. You know, the usual highschool angst.

New Moon

Bella: Whoops, paper cut.

Jasper, Edward’s brother: Hey, let me help you with that BY EATING YOU!

Edward: (delivers a smack down) Bella… that was too close. I will only put you in danger. My family and I are leaving this rain-drenched, Pacific Northwest small town forever!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs into the woods, curls up into a ball)

Sam, Native American Super Man: Hey, chief. Found your daughter trying to die of hypothermia in the woods! Here you go!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: OMG YOU STAY AWAY FROM MYSTERIOUS PALE STRANGERS! You are only allowed to hang out with mysterious Native Americans from now on!

Bella: Okay, after I’m done with my three months of emo zombie grief.

Billy: Hey, Bella. As your father’s close, Native American friend, I thought maybe you’d want to hang with my Native American son, Jacob.

Jacob: Like every male, I am also totally trying to get in your pants. Also, I can build motorcycles!

Bella: Cool, because I pretty much want to die. Only when I’m doing something reckless and death-defying can I hear sweet Edward’s voice, cautioning me to stop…

Patricia: So… this is some kind of mystical vampire connection?

Bella: Nope. Just crazy.

Jacob: PS, I’m a werewolf. And so are a lot of guys in my tribe. Vampires are our natural enemy.

Bella: Whatevs.

Evil Vampire Lady from the First Book: Edward killed my mate, so I will kill his!

Jacob: Werewolf squad, help me protect Bella!

Bella: While they’re in the forest trying to track down my potential murderer, I’m going to go cliff diving alone, just for giggles.

Alice, Edward’s psychic sister: OMGWTF EDWARD BELLA JUST JUMPED OFF A CLIFF

Edward: And so I too must die. But since I’m a vampire and we are hardy like William Marsh Rice, I must journey to Italy and piss off the uber-vampires there.

Bella: (totally survives)

Alice: OMGWTF Now we have to go to Italy and save Edward!

Bella and Alice: (go to Italy and save Edward)

Uber-Vampires: Hm. A mortal girl that knows too much about us. It’s cool, we’ll just kill her.

Edward: NO!

Uber-Vampires: Okay, then make her a vampire too.

Edward: NO!

Bella: Um, why not?

Edward: Because IT WOULD DESTROY YOUR SOUL!

Bella: Really?

Edward: No clue. The answer is still no.

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: Don’t worry, kid. I got your back. I’ll totally make you a vampire after you graduate from highschool.

Bella: Sweet!

Jacob: The vampire is back? I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, BELLA. So much sexual tension, wasted!

Alice: Hey, what about Evil Vampire Lady? Are we not… are we not worried about her anymore?

Edward: I’m sure she’s given up and will never bother us again!
The End

Eclipse

Edward: You are not allowed to see your werewolf friend, Jacob. Too dangerous!

Bella: (sneaks out all the time to see werewolf friend, Jacob)

Edward: GAH! I’m locking you in my room whenever I have to leave your side!

Jacob: I’m still in love with you. I WILL WIN YOU FROM THAT BLOODSUCKER.

Bella: Whatever. I’ll be a vampire soon, then no one’s going to tell me what to do!

Edward: Why wait till graduation? I’ll turn you into a vampire whenever you want-

Bella: Yay!

Edward: –if you marry me!!!

Bella: NEVER! Marriage is an outdated socialized misogyny! Also, my mom got married right out of highschool and look what happened! NEVER!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: There’s a serial killer loose in Seattle! Also, I want to have an awkward convo about safe sex, despite the fact that you are a virgin since your boyfriend can’t get near you without trying to kill you. Epic lulz!

Alice, Edward’s Psychic Sister: Actually, that’s no serial killer. That’s an army of newborn vampires!! They’re erratic and super strong and led by someone who’s COMING DOWN HERE TO KILL BELLA!

Bella: OMGOD could it be Evil Vampire Lady from Books 1 and 2?

Edward: (shrugs) Probably not. Okay, we’re vastly outnumbered–

Jacob: My werewolf crew will help you! Even though you are still our natural enemies and are about to kill the woman I love to make her a vampire!

Edward: Cool. Let’s make a convoluted plan involving confusing them with Bella’s scent, a camping trip, and an ambush in the woods! But first–

Bella: Edward! There are some human things I want to do before I become inhuman.

Edward: You got it, babe.

Bella: No, I mean some really human things.

Edward: Like getting college loans?

Bella: (starts undressing him)

Edward: BAD TOUCH! (manacles her to bed) Bella, I can’t let you do this. Vampire schools only teach abstinence-only and I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO TO HELL.

Bella: But what if after I become a vampire, I’m only interested in killing the entire town and not getting it on? (Note: This is almost exactly what she really says in the book, except “getting it on” is the more euphemistic “caring about you”)

Edward: I’m trying to save your soul, you whore! We can do this before you become a vampire if you want, IF we get married first.

Bella: You’re chaining me to a bed to avoid sexy time and press your marriage suit? Oh, home schooled kids!

Edward: I’ve got this big diamond.

Bella: Okay, fine.

Bella: (during scent-confusing camping trip) SSSSSOOOOO COOOOLDDDD!

Edward: I can’t help, since I am a vampire and am naturally “cold and hard as stone”.

Jacob: Do not even worry! I am a werewolf and we are always H-O-T-T hot!! Also, my body temperature’s pretty high. I’ll just crawl into this sleeping bag with your frostbitten fiance.

Edward: DISLIKE.

Jacob: OMG! The fight is starting in that clearing over there! Gotta go! And… since you don’t love me, Bella, I’ll probably just get myself killed.

Bella: Wait! Don’t do that! Kiss me!

Jacob: Yes! Reverse psychology always works!

Bella: Oh no! Filled with regret!

Edward: It’s my fault for loving you too much… or something…

Evil Vampire Lady: Wah ha ha! I left my army of newborn vampires to distract your family so I could come for you and your crack-blood girlfriend!!!

Edward: WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?

Evil Vampire Lady and Edward: (fight)

Bella: I may be only a mortal, but I must do something! (cuts self with a big rock)

Evil Vampire Lady: Why is your chick wigging out?

Edward: DIEEEEEE! (kills Evil Vampire Lady)

Jacob: Little help, guys! I’m like… cut in half over here!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: You’ll be fine. Take some advil.

Bella: JACOB!!! NOOOOOO!!!! I have to tell you… before you collapse from mild pain… I love you!

Jacob: Sweet!! I am the best kisser!

Bella: Just… not enough.

Jacob: Crap.

Bella: In the natural world, you would be my soul mate. But Edward and our love are entirely… unnatural.

Jacob: Way to hit a guy when he’s down.

Edward: (sends him wedding invitation to twist the knife)
The End

Unfortunately, I am still on the waiting list for the fourth and last book, but I literally CANNOT wait. Stephanie Meyer–who claims the plot of Twilight came to her in a dream, ps–is clearly trying to write the worst book I, personally, have ever read, and is succeeding beyond her wildest imaginings! S&M AND Christian fundamentals! Love it! My next review will probably be comparing the badness of Breaking Dawn, the last book, to the badness of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It’s going to be a close one.

Ed. 08/06/09: The review of the fourth book is here, although I must warn you, it’s beyond horrible. The book, not the review.

3 responses to “Twilight for People Who Don’t Want to Read Twilight”

  1. All the ridiculousness of reading Twilight without any of the stupidity induced aneurysms!

    The only lingering question now is whether the fourth book will actually HAVE a terribly written euphemistic vampire sex scene or if Meyer will just give up and start the story AFTER.

  2. Brian says:

    That review was … awesome. And I totally don’t have to read the books now.

    Also, I was going to make some kind of pun about the “S&M and Christian fundamentals” comment, but I forgot what it was. Which is probably a good thing.

  3. Emily says:

    God, I am so embarrassed (even more than before) to have read the series during winter break. Thanks Patricia for allowing me to realize that I’m pathetic.

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