The List Doubleheader: #74 Get a Human Leash and #78 Abuse the List Serv

I cannot explain why some things are on The List of things we have to do before graduating. Don’t get me wrong, I totally see the merit in things like #32 Tie Everyone Together or #72 At One Dinner Pretend We’re All Pregnant. Even #78 Abuse the List Serv makes complete sense and sounds like a good time. But I have no idea about #74 Get a Human Leash. I don’t know if anyone in THE 434 remembers why it got written down; all we know is, when it’s on The List it must be completed. Case in point: I spent three of my dollars and a million of my Coolness Points on #51 Get Sippy Cups to Drink Out of (in the Servery). But it had to be done, and I did it gladly. Besides, as Patricia Ladd, I had an excess of Coolness Points anyway. It was making everyone else feel bad about themselves.

Anyway, to tackle the Human Leash problem we decided to combine list items. If we sent out a “Lost Item” message to the List Serv about our lost human leash, then maybe someone would find one and give it to us. Stellar logic, I know. So we composed this email:

Dear Wiess,
It is only the first day of the semester and we have already lost something!! We are missing a leash.
Here are some deets:
-it is black leather with some rhinestones
-the collar is human sized
-it may or may not have an attached body harness
– it may be near the laundry room but probably not
It is urgent that we get this back. Please email or return it to our room (434), no questions asked.
THE 434

And, much to our surprise, Travis Martin sent it out to the list serv almost immediately after we sent it to him. Maybe he thought public humiliation would be a just punishment for attempting to abuse the list serv, but little did he know he was playing right into our hands! Unfortunately, the next day did not dawn with a barrage of human leashes of varying size and color anonymously left at our door. Lame, Wiess.

I thought that would be the end of it until, about two months later, I woke up to find a red studded collar with accompanying pink leash over my doorknob. Luckily, there was an accompanying note:

Stolen from Will Rice to be exact. In hindsight, it was obvious

Stolen from Will Rice to be exact. In hindsight, it was obvious

Unfortunately I do not have a picture to prove our completion of #74 because Bova then used it at the turnover ceremonies. I’m not sure where it got to after that.

So, if you see a human leash lying around, you should probably just return it to THE 434. Thanks.

One response to “The List Doubleheader: #74 Get a Human Leash and #78 Abuse the List Serv”

  1. Travis Martin says:

    I feel so betrayed.

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