Roadtrip: Staving Off Adulthood One Tourist Trap At A Time

Almost exactly one year ago, I was sitting in Scotland, wondering why it was so cold in March, when everyone knows it should be at least 80. I’m not really clear on what the temperature actually was since I never bothered with converting from Celsius since the equation would inevitably be: 9C/5 + 32= TOO COLD. Anyway, I was also wondering if I could actually spend not one but two more summers explaining to disgruntled people why the library doesn’t shelve books by color for minimum wage. So I started plans for the roadtrip to end all roadtrips, designed to cover everything anyone abroad had ever asked me about America. See, when I first got there, I had a lot of conversations like this:

Scottish person: You’re from America! That’s cool! Have you been to LA? Have you seen Zac Efron?
Me: No. And no.
Scottish person: New York?
Me: I mean… this one time in middle school… okay, not really.
Scottish person: The Grand Canyon?
Me: I mean… it’s just a big hole in the ground…
Scottish person: Wait, so… where in the States are you from?
Me: Florida. Texas. Kind of.
Scottish person: Miami?
Me: No… it’s like a ten hour drive from my house.
Scottish person: Right. Okay. (awkward silence)

So that’s why the tentative route looks something like this:

Nothing Personal, Arkansas. Just that you're boring.

Nothing Personal, Arkansas. Just that you're boring.

In summary, the plan is to see so much of the country that I never have to travel again, but can still be interesting at parties when I know way too much about the World’s Largest Non-Stick Frying Pan and other amazing and noteworthy parts of our beautiful country.

Basic sights to see on the list so far:

1. The Grand Canyon
2. Las Vegas
3. LA and my movie cousin; it’s always nice to have a free place to stay, and someone capable of taking you to work on movie sets where you will inevitably meet Zac Efron and become his BFF.
4. Seattle
5. Glacier National Park–Jeremy Caves tells me there will still be too much snow for me to see anything in June. I assume this is a lie since nothing can have snow in June unless it is of the Sno-Cone variety.
6. Medora, North Dakota–As part of my ongoing crusade to prove that North Dakota is nice (in the summer); what could be better than prairie dogs, buffalo, and Teddy Roosevelt impersonators? NOTHING.
7. Bismarck, North Dakota–General Custer’s ghost! Grandparents!
8. Minneapolis, MN–The Mall of America! My illustrator!
9. Niagara Falls–I want to visit the Museum about people going over it in barrels.
10. ROB MCAULIFFE–and maybe also Syracuse’s fabled salt history museum
11. The Ben & Jerry Factory
12. Hershey, PA
13. Washington, DC–Steven Wiggins has never been. As a former DC resident and noted big-mammoth-in-the-Smithsonian-lover, I find this shocking.

Anyway, I plan to ask for suggestions and do some research (meaning I googled “Most haunted places in America”) to add more to my list of things to see. Like today at lunch, for instance, when I added “Jeremy Caves’ House” to the list, mostly so I could call him and shout “GUESS WHO I’M WITH??? YOUR MOM!” But unlike the other twelve times I’ve done that, it would be the truth.

One response to “Roadtrip: Staving Off Adulthood One Tourist Trap At A Time”

  1. The correct response to a Scottish person asking you if you’ve been to New York or seen the Grand Canyon or met Zac Efron is, “Why aren’t you wearing a kilt?”

    Also: What’s in Seattle?

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