Farewell to Bridget: the Once and Future Fish

You may not realize it, but despite the recent festivities (and all evidence to the contrary) the residents of THE 434 are WRACKED by grief at the death of our beloved friend, roommate, and noted alcoholic: Bridget, the long-lived Beta Fish. Previously thought to be immortal, her death at the age of three comes as a shock—although, as noted Betaologist Rachel Kinney astutely points out, “that’s like one million in fish years”. And so I’ve decided to compile a timeline of Bridget’s life to immortalize her greatness.

September 2006
My goldfish, Finnegan, dies. I contend because Caroline and Erika have secretly named it Pierre behind my back. Tiny goldfish minds just can’t take the confusion. Also, maybe because it was used as a prop in the Freshmen One Acts and Alex A. nearly killed it three nights in a row. Just maybe.

The Next Day 2006
I decide the empty fish bowl looks stupid and go in search of another fish. The Fish That Will Be Bridget is the only one that’s moving, so I choose her. I name her Bridget despite her clearly being a man-fish in fulfillment of the Prophecy of Rob. Namely the one that goes “and then you’ll have twelve children all named Bridget.” Rob is convinced that I’m destined for trailer-trashness.

October 2006
Caroline and Erika accuse Bridget of being “boring”. This is what she wants them to think so they won’t get wise to her secret double life as an International Fish of Mystery. Also, she’s mad lazy.

Christmas 2006
Bridget gets engaged to an online con man! Cosmo does a story!

Bridget Loves Her Cosmo

Bridget Loves Her Cosmo

January 2007
Bridget breaks up with the online con man after realizing that he has a mullet in real life.

Summer 2007

Bridget ditches me to spend the summer with Rachel and her many cats. Rachel claims that she witnesses a Bridget Miracle in which Bridget magically comes back to life right before being flushed down the toilet. Rachel is either crazy or the first of Bridget’s disciples. This gives rise to the rumor that Bridget is some kind of immortal fish god imprisoned in our common room. And sometimes a water bottle, for car trips.

Fish God Bridget

Bridget: A Terrible Cupholder Driver

August 2007
Bridget and I are briefly homeless after she loses our room to some Rice squirrels in a poker game.

Homeless Bridget

Homeless Bridget

October 2007
The first of multiple attempts to kill Bridget by putting hot sauce/alcohol/Houston tap water in her bowl. BRIDGET LAUGHS AT PUNY MORTALS.

Immortal Bridget

Bridget Survives All Assassination Attempts!

December 2007
Bridget declines my offer of studying abroad with me, instead choosing to teach my younger brother Thomas the Values and Responsibilities that come with Pet Ownership.

March 2008
Bridget eats for the first time since I left thanks to a Mom Ladd Intervention. Feeling guilty, they buy her a castle.

Bridget's Castle

Bridget's Castle

August 2008
Bridget sings the Delilah Song the entire way back to Houston from her spot in the cupholder. I contemplate abandoning her in Mississippi.

October 2008
Bridget appears on the fish reality TV show, Pimp My Tank, after which her tacky plastic tank is replaced with a newer, classier glass bowl shaped like a giant brandy snifter.

December 2008
Bridget becomes addicted to the Twilight series and tries to change her name to “Bella”, incurring the wrath of Rob. She pouts inside her castle for days.

January 2009
Due to tough economic times (and algae), Bridget is evicted from her castle.

March 17, 2009
Unable to withstand the sheer joys of St. Patrick’s Day (her favorite holiday), Bridget succumbs to alcohol poisoning/old age.

March 18, 2009
Memorial Services are held in THE 434, including spontaneous poetry.

Bridget Memorial Poem

Bridget Memorial Poem

Beer Bike
Persons who shall remain nameless steal Bridget’s empty brandy snifter-shaped bowl, fill it with champagne, and take it to parties.

The Day After Beer Bike
Along with hangovers, a substantial portion of Wiess wonders where it got salmonella.

NOW YOU KNOW!

RIP Bridget

Bridget Poster

Her Memory Lives On

4 responses to “Farewell to Bridget: the Once and Future Fish”

  1. The Fish is dead.
    But if Fate so wish,
    She will yet return.
    Long live the Fish.

  2. Brian says:

    Best. Blog post. Ever.

    Also, Bridget isn’t a trailer trash name. It’s a name for people played by Renee Zellweger in oddly cheery British movies.

  3. Brian says:

    This is the best blog post ever.

  4. […] to have SIX children, four of them being two sets of twins. I assume all named Bridget, as per the prophecies of Rob. For a palm reader, she wasn’t very good at looking at hands; I was certain she would notice […]

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