It feels like so long since we’ve talked about Sam Neill, you guys!! Maybe it’s taken me longer to get through these because they were all just so angsty (here’s a definition of that from a reputable source, dad). I guess Sam Neill is as much a victim of the post-holiday blues as anyone. Cheer up, Sam; I’m pretty sure you get to be a vampire in the next one! And not some lame sparkly one either!
Little Fish (2005)
I too was upset that it wasn't the Australian Finding Nemo
The Movie: Cate Blanchett is a recovering heroin addict trying to pull her life together, which is tough when she can’t get any loans due to her past history, and both her brother, ex-boyfriend, and Hugo Weaving keep trying to pull her back in. Everyone spends a lot of time being sad and staring at things thinking about the hopelessness of it all. Also, Hugo Weaving is the ex-lover of an Australian mob boss and can’t get over it, leading to a climactic ending involving guns and drug overdoses and swimming at the beach in your underwear.
The Character: Sam Neill is the Australian mob boss which means he has to share an awkward kiss with this man:
Would've been hotter if he still looked like Elrond
He’s okay, as far as mob bosses go. He threatens people and he has a fancy gun. My main issue was the fact that he dresses like a middle-aged stockbroker on a yacht at all times.
It's like the least intimidating outfit I can imagine
What I Learned: Sydney apparently has a “little Saigon” district with the largest Vietnamese community in Australia! Judging from this movie it is also rife with drug dealers and ambitious video rental stores.
Would I Watch Again? No, I could barely handle it the first time.
Plenty (1985)
Three years before a dingo ate her baby, Meryl Streep played an even crazier character in a Sam Neill movie! Sting, Gandalf, and Charles Dance were also there.
Thankfully this movie has 100% fewer awkward shorts scenes
The Movie: This movie incorporates a lot of unexplained and unmarked time skips, so I’m going to write my summary in a similarly confusing way. It’s WWII and Meryl Streep is a spy in France! Sam Neill is a newly arrived spy, and she gives him advice, then cries, then sleeps with him. He leaves without saying goodbye. Then some guy is dead and Charles Dance is an ambassador who has to deal. The corpse’s wife is Meryl Streep! Except she’s not really his wife, just his mistress. Now Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are making out and they’ve been dating for months. Meryl Streep’s BFF is a bohemian and Charles Dance hates the way they talk and like jazz music. Meryl Streep asks Sting to father a child with her because she wants a kid and doesn’t want to get married. Sting visits her with flowers because it’s apparently a year later and she’s still not preggers? Then she tries to shoot Sting (we’ve all been there). Charles Dance answers a phone and then rushes to a hospital. Meryl Streep turns around dramatically! Now Charles Dance is at a dinner party and says his wife will be right down! Bohemian BFF is coming downstairs in a fancy dress! J/k his wife is Meryl Streep who freaks out about the Suez Canal and makes everyone uncomfortable. Now Bohemian BFF is visiting some desert place! Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are there, and Meryl Streep is heavily sedated. Meryl Streep visits Gandalf to ask why her husband hasn’t been getting good ambassador assignments. She threatens to kill herself, then goes home and tears up the wallpaper. Meryl Streep is sleeping with Sam Neill again! Then she falls asleep and Sam Neill leaves! Wait–no, he finds his cufflinks she’s kept in her purse all these years! Okay, he covers her with a blanket and then leaves. The End.
Meryl Streep convincing Charles Dance that her crazy is endearing
The Character: Sam Neill is barely in this movie. We see him at the beginning jumping out of a plane and sleeping with Meryl Streep, and then at the end, sleeping with Meryl Streep. But, throughout all the crazy parts in the middle, she keeps his cufflinks in her purse and talks nonstop about how she misses the war because “you could meet people even just for a night that would change your life forever”.
Can you blame her?
Thing I Learned: Sting isn’t a terrible actor! What Ian McKellan looks like with black hair!
Would I Watch Again? Yes, backwards, to see if it makes more sense.
Angel (2007)
Once again, Netflix tricked me into thinking this was a historical romance.
At least the costumes lived up to their promise
The Movie: This movie follows the life of Angel Deverell, who starts out as a petulant and angsty grocer’s daughter and rises to become a petulant and angsty rich and famous novelist by writing the turn of the century equivalent of Twilight. She spends pretty much all of the movie acting like your worst memories of middle schoolers, refusing to change any part of her books, even for factual accuracy. She marries a painter she doesn’t understand because he’s hot, and he likes the fact that she’s rich. Then he goes off to fight in WWI, eventually returning with one leg to commit suicide. Only then does Angel discover that he had a mistress and child. She angsts and eventually dies, almost alone and forgotten.
But the hair and costumes were superb
The Character: Sam Neill plays Angel’s publisher, who sticks by her despite how annoying and crazy she is.
Sam Neill, trying to manfully put up with stuff
Later his wife accuses him of being in love with her, since almost everyone in this movie is in love with her, despite her screechy, petulant selfishness.
Thing I Learned: This book/movie was based on the life of real author Marie Corelli who was apparently way more popular than all of her now-famous contemporaries like H.G. Wells. She was once criticized as being “a woman of deplorable talent who imagined that she was a genius, and was accepted as a genius by a public to whose commonplace sentimentalities and prejudices she gave a glamorous setting”.
Would I Watch Again? Maybe for costume ideas!
Next: Vampires! Guerrilla warfare!
Previously: Made for TV Movie Edition
